Tag Archives: The Great Love

Death Visits

2 weeks ago I called my mother around mid-day. She was sobbing in pain. This was the day before Mother’s Day. I went to her apartment and spent the next week with her until she died.

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I told her that she had done well. She could rest now. Her work was done and she didn’t have to stay. I said that God was ready to row her little boat to another shore. I wrote it down on a card and she kept the card under her pillow.

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My mother was 92 years old. It was fairly recently that she spent a month at my home while I took time off of work to care for her after she broke her shoulder in a fall. It wasn’t a surprise she fell or hurt herself- she’s been living unsafely in her home for quite a while. She was very stubborn, though, and did not want to leave her home.

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My mom and dad in 1941

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At ninety-two, my mother was not the healthiest of her siblings. Her older brother Ernie was 98 and getting around much better. But then again, Ernie was a preacher and my mother was the family black-sheep who smoked, drank and partied into middle age. Ernie is still active. I expect to see him at the memorial.

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She was diagnosed with breast cancer over 5 years ago. She refused treatment or any further diagnostic tests. There was no way to know how extensive the cancer had become. She always said, “I’m tired. I’ve lived long enough. It’s time for me to go.” But she didn’t go. Not for a long time and many close calls.

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Mom and dad in Corbett, 1942

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 About a year ago she had congestive heart failure. She needed more help. She was put on hospice care. People came to her home. After a few months she was discharged from hospice because she wasn’t getting worse- she was getting better. She still needed help, she still wasn’t safe in her home.

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She was a “wall-walker” as the physical therapists would say. She didn’t have the strength or balance to actually walk around her apartment. She grabbed hold of things- including things that were unstable or that she couldn’t actually “grab” (like walls).  It was an inherently unsafe situation. She was constantly over-reaching her balance and relying on objects that were not dependable to get her a few more steps. This led to falls on numerous occasions- many falls she never told anyone about.

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My mother has been alone since 1992 when my father died from complications of mesothelioma. She has been fiercely independent since then. Also, incredibly lonely. She moved out of the family home to an apartment several years ago. It is a great apartment- located in inner southeast Portland off Division St. For a time she insisted on continuing to drive her car. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when she stopped driving. Deaf and increasingly blind (from macular degeneration) she finally realized that each time she got behind the wheel she was praying that she wouldn’t kill anyone. Her friend Judy began helping with shopping and other things.

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This is her obituary:

 Margaret Elinor Snook, known to most as Marmie, entered the world on August 8, 1921, the sixth and youngest child of George and Virginia Chamberlain of Corbett, Oregon. She died at home in Portland, Oregon on May 16, 2014.

Marmie grew up a country girl and graduated from Corbett High School in 1939. She married Rex Snook in June, 1941; their love story lasted almost 50 years until Rex’s death in 1991, and produced four children, Suzy Garman (married to Phil), Becky Sciglimpaglia (Don), Greg Snook (Jackie) and Rick Snook (Candace).

Marmie worked in a variety of jobs over the years, the longest lasting being as a clerk in the Multnomah County District Court, but work never defined her life. She loved to read, enjoyed just about any card game you could name, played in a Bunco group for decades, and loved spending time with friends and family, often built around food. Garage and estate sales were a passion. She was also a long-time volunteer delivering meals on wheels and working in the gift shop at the Hollywood Senior Center. She enjoyed her life to the fullest, and was proud to have remained independent and (more or less) self-reliant into her 90s.

She was a fun person to be around, with an infectious laugh and a sharp and sometimes silly sense of humor. She was a loyal and generous friend and, at times, a fiercely protective mother. She was also a stubborn person who could drive her friends, and her kids, crazy by insisting on getting her way about absolutely everything. In short, she was a complex, amazing, entertaining and aggravating singularity. The world will not see her like again.

Marmie was predeceased by her brother Harold and sisters Mabel, Pearl and Katherine; she is survived by her brother Ernie of Turner, Oregon, her four children, six grandchildren, assorted great-grandchildren and step-great-grandchildren, and a passel of nieces and nephews. Disposition was by cremation. A private memorial service will be arranged in the near future.

Mom

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My son Matt loved his grandmother. He visited her often. They played cribbage while she could still hold the cards.

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About a week before the day 2 weeks ago that I went to stay with her, she called my sister and said she hurt so badly that she couldn’t bear it. She had an in-home X-Ray that confirmed that she had multiple compression fractures of her spine. She was put on hospice care (again).

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When I came over I called hospice and they said I could start administering the liquid morphine that was part of the hospice “kit” left in my mother’s home. The hospice nurse came to see her the next day. They said she might only have a little time left.

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She was having great difficulty and pain with breathing. The nurse explained that she would be very likely to develop pneumonia. When asked if she wanted treatment in the event that she had pneumonia she clearly and insistently said, “No.” She wanted to be put to bed and made comfortable, that’s all.

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I called my sons on Monday. Matt lives in the area and he came over right away. He jumped into bed with his grandma and hugged her gently.

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Over the course of the week several things happened.

  • My mother ate less and got out of bed less, slept more
  • We gradually got her pain under fairly good control
  • My siblings came to visit- one of my sisters came from a trip to Mexico
  • I stayed all day and night and administered pain meds on a schedule, fed her when she would eat
  • I helped her go to the bathroom or use the commode in her room
  • I cleaned her, cleaned up her messes (she had become increasingly incontinent)

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By Wednesday she was much weaker. She could not walk at all without help, although she tried. The following morning she got out of bed and had a muffin and some tea. She had been cranky with me earlier and she apologized. She went back to bed. She never really got back up (she tried at one point after the hospice nurse had helped change her diaper- but she was weak, disoriented and couldn’t stand… she went back to sleep).

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Hospice had a person who came to her bedside and played the harp. It was beautiful. My mom slept. This is a picture:

photo 2

 

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The nurse said it would probably be very soon.

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That evening, in her sleep, she began to make gurgling sounds when she was breathing. There was a thick foam in her throat. I called the hospice nurse. She said it was “end  of life secretions” and to give her atropine, 4 drops, from the hospice kit. I tried first to suction out the liquid with a big dropper, I put her on her side- eventually she stopped making the noise but the secretions were still thick and visible in her throat.

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The nurse had said that the atropine would stop the sounds- she also called them “death rattle”- but that the sound didn’t mean my mom was suffering. She said the atropine was primarily for the comfort of the caregiver because the sound can be distressing to loved ones.

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I set my alarm for 2 am so that I could check on her. When I got up and went to her room I could tell she was gone. I felt her head. I put my hand on her chest, I picked up her hand and held it. She was free.

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I called my oldest sister and woke her. She said to wait until morning to call the others. I did. People started coming over at about 8 am. We spent the next few days going through her stuff, figuring out what to keep and what to give away. She had love letters written by my dad when he was in the navy, overseas. Came upon this little poem written by my dad:

rexpoemhalf

It was written on an envelope he received in reply to a letter he sent to his congressman.

My guess is that he didn’t care for the response.

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Goodnight Mother, sleep now, your work here is done.

goodnightmom

This is only the husk. The fire that burned here is gone. It may be burning someplace else, I don’t know; but the fire here has gone out.

I see my own death in this- all of us are destined to lose everything we hold dear, even our lives. There is no way out of this. Time will burn us all to ashes.

The past week I have been very reflective. I have thought a lot about my life, my family, my relationships.

What will be left? What is true, lasting? Anything? Any Thing?

Not our bodies. Not our conditioned personalities formed and re-formed in life. None of this really exists except in a flash- passing before we can even perceive it. What is the reality behind this waterfall we seem to live in, this dreamlike world of change, birth, death? I know what the Wise have said. I know what the sacred scriptures say.

I don’t believe I am capable of knowing what is true. I leave that up to God.

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Filed under Family pictures, personal story, pictures, poetry, Uncategorized

The Poetry of the Bauls (Thanks Leroy)

The Poetry of the Bauls.

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Filed under Mystic Poetry, poetry, Re-blogged

Hello My God

Hello My God.

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Tomorrow I go back to work

Since March 14th I’ve been on disability leave, endured and been given a lot of changes (e.g. gotta move, can’t afford to live in my awful basement apartment), pain (tempered and made somehow worse by using powerful prescribed narcotic pain meds), poverty (well, that’s just basic- no frills), new life with a new friend (lover, sweetheart), surgery, hospital, inability to walk, blah blah blah. This will be my first major new post since I’ve been on this journey. It will be my last before I return to work.

Here is my new bag to take to work-

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This is me before surgery-

(p)selfportrait

This is me after surgery:

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Here is my new hat-

nothingwrong1

So much stuff-

First, here is my friend Steve’s MySpace music page. He’s one of my favorite musicians, one of my oldest friends. There was a time we wrote together and made music for friends. He has always been great, he has gotten even better and he is a terrific person.

My friend, Dr. Jack, is continuing his fight against the Beast as a now retired, former employee who doesn’t have to keep his mouth shut. I have so much from Jack that I hesitate to post anything. e writes to me about daily. Here is an excerpt from one email. No names are used.

The old building. Everything is all better now, since we have a bright shiny, new, cramped, walled, horizon-free, super-secure new Beast.

The old building. Everything is all better now, since we have a bright shiny, new, cramped, walled, horizon-free, super-secure new Beast.

OSH-Hallway of the damned

Below are excerpts from an email to an OSH friend (by sending this, I am trying to help others see my own thinking as we approach our discussion, and spur new ideas by community people which will be the most important ones):  (emboldened only to set the whole of it off from this email to all of you; not for dramatic emphasis)
My vision is that if we assemble and talk about our experiences together with interested community individuals, we will be able to elicit their understanding of the grave situation at OSH [no pun intended   🙂  ], and hopefully arouse their passion about doing something.  They have the power.  They can have the OSH sucker punches thrown at them and those punches will miss, because they are outside the range of being hurt by that shit.  They have the power to say, “We won’t play the game that way.  I demand that we play by fair rules, or we will expose that the game is rigged.”  You and anyone still attached to OSH will need to safely just watch and cheer on, and those outside in the vantaged positions will be able to tell by the responses from those within if their efforts to change to a fair game are being effective.  (Many inside) have already risked more than should be expected.  Healing time for (them).  Reinforcements will be coming, or the alternative is the one for you that you have already described — find a different ballpark with no bullies in it.
An excerpt from my email yesterday to another OSH psychologist (talking about an OSH administrator):
I do think that you should not trust (him) and the appearance of good will.  He is truly intent on getting the “treatment” of Recovery moving, but he really doesn’t capture the connection you are making between those “treatment” principles and similar principles related to best management practices, and to just healthy human relationships in general.  Just the fact that (he) isn’t using the Peer Specialists and some excellent patients who are versed and more directly experienced with these principles shows his continued belief that he and other nominal hospital leaders are the ones to educate staff.  That itself reveals his unawareness that in a Recovery culture, the people receiving services are central to all decisions — personal, system-wise, and political — about Recovery implementation.  There are excellent examples of inpatient Recovery being implemented in the U.S. (not many, but of good quality), and a person I know who is a national leader is sending me a presentation she recently made back East about the success in a hospital there and what it took.  The circumstances there, though, involve the consumer survivors themselves being in leadership positions together with traditional providers, and psychiatrists and other professionals following their recommendations and advisement.  (The administrator) sees himself as the center of OSH change, and he is ruthless in protecting his fragile hold on that self-promoting way of seeing things.  He is not creating a culture change to Recovery; he is trying to change the “psychiatric treatment” approach to Recovery while still using a medical model management structure to “enforce” it.  Thus we can understand his almost tantrum-like coercive responses when he sees the “patient” (Recovery-oriented personnel) being “treatment resistant”  (suggesting to him that perhaps they know what is best for themselves, and that they can help him assist them better if he would just listen).  But, his support of psychiatrists being the ones to lead OSH Recovery reveals that he continues to use the medical model “doctor knows best” fallacious reasoning about what patients need.”
no
Other Jack stuff or receieved from Jack:
Excerpt:
Tuesday, 11 June, 2013 – 11:49

If ever there’s a time for youngsters to understand what’s happening to their brain during puberty, it’s now.

The founder of Life Education, Trevor Grice, says the pressure of society, the increase in youth suicide and easy access to drugs and alcohol make it essential for young people to understand what’s going on inside their heads.

However he says it must be explained to them using today’s technology and in a language they relate to.

As a result the Life Education Trust is developing a digital brain that youngsters can look inside, see what happens during puberty and how drugs, alcohol, peer pressure and relationships affect how it works.

This year Life Education is celebrating its 25th anniversary in New Zealand and has committed itself to developing the latest technology to engage with primary and intermediate students.

At its annual conference last month the latest mobile classroom – its 45th – was unveiled which the Trust considers will propel it into the next 25 years as a relevant and essential player in the health curriculum.

The technology demonstrated to John Key, who opened the conference, replicated his skeleton and organs and demonstrated to him how they work so he can have a greater understanding of his own body.

To this technology, which will be rolled out into every mobile classroom, Trevor Grice intends to introduce the digital brain.

New HUD Olmstead Guidance Step in Right Direction

Washington — June 5, 2013 — The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has issued new guidance on how the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in the
Olmstead case applies to HUD’s programs and activities. The guidance makes clear that HUD and entities that receive financial assistance from HUD must provide housing for people with disabilities in the most integrated setting appropriate to their needs. Integrated settings, according to the guidance, are “those that provide individuals with disabilities opportunities to live, work, and receive services in the greater community, like individuals without disabilities.” 

Examples of integrated settings include scattered-site apartments providing supportive housing, rental subsidies that enable individuals with disabilities to obtain housing on the open market, and apartments for individuals with disabilities scattered throughout housing developments. “By contrast,” the guidance states, “segregated settings are occupied exclusively or primarily by individuals with disabilities.”

The guidance is intended to better educate state and local housing agencies, housing developers, and housing providers on their obligations under the “integration mandate” of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).  To make real the promise of the ADA, the guidance instructs, “additional integrated housing options scattered throughout the community” are needed.      

In issuing the guidance, HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan recognized that the “Olmsteaddecision-and subsequent voluntary Olmstead planning and implementation, litigation by groups representing individuals with disabilities, and Department of Health and Human Services and Department of Justice enforcement efforts-is creating a dramatic shift in the way services are delivered to individuals with disabilities.” He affirmed that “HUD is committed to offering housing options that enable individuals with disabilities to live in the most integrated settings possible and to fully participate in community life.” 

“We are encouraged by the issuance of this guidance and its important recognition that HUD-subsidized housing must afford people with disabilities the chance to live in the most integrated setting,” said Jennifer Mathis, director of programs for the Judge David L. Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law. “The vast majority of people with disabilities want to live in ordinary housing. We hope this guidance will spark development across the country of mainstream housing for people with disabilities.”  

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The Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law (www.bazelon.org) is the leading national legal-advocacy organization representing people with mental disabilities. It promotes laws and policies that enable people with psychiatric or intellectual disabilities to exercise their life choices and access the resources they need to participate fully in their communities. 

For media inquiries, please contact Dominic Holt at mailto:Dominic@bazelon.org or 202.467.5730, ext. 311.

Teh Bad Margarita at Newport Bay Restaurant

Teh Bad Margarita at Newport Bay Restaurant

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Great new posts from my favorite blogs-
A is For… (The Procrastitorian)
and please don’t miss this one-
Riding Effortlessly (Leroy Watson)
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reaction

images (3)
balance stick

balance stick

dinner time

[ani]Home_made_Whisky is it-
tumblr_lwuo5x1vC51r861j5o1_500 [caturday] training the cat
36 days (1)
you may be high ch130605 Duckling-Falling-Asleep-on-Desk RD67 RD8V mmmmmmm bacon The New Yorker

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What is going on?

First, here’s a link from Jacek on “who’s got your back?”.  And, according to same, best blues singer ever.

A day late, Digitizing a Movement from Harvard Gazette.

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The Wild Things of God.

To many modern Christians, words like “meditation,” “mystic,” and “mysticism” bring to mind Eastern religions, not Christianity. Certainly Eastern religions are known for their mysticism; however, mysticism is not only a vital part of the Christian heritage as well, but it is actually the core of Christian spirituality. Mysticism simply means the spirituality of the direct experience of God. It is the adventure of “the wild things of God.”

The direct experience of God is a kind of knowing, which goes beyond intellectual understanding. It is not a matter of “belief.” It is marked by love and joy, but it is not “emotional experience.” In many ways, it is better described by what it is not. To describe what it is, we must use metaphors—the marriage of the soul to Christ, the death of the “old man” and birth of the “new man,” being the “body of Christ.”

Jesus proclaimed “I and the Father are one,” (Jn. 10.30) showing the world what the union of God and man can be. Christian mysticism is about nothing else but this transforming union.

Or:

“Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires; and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths.” (2 Timothy 4:2-4)

mystic

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I have spent my life. driven by an inner. undeniable need, trying to find my way closer and closer to God: it is not a trivial thing. I was from an early age full of a loneliness and desire that I could not name. I can’t live any other way. The only thing that satisfies me is to keep making the spiritual effort,  Sadhana, without it I may as well not exist.

My life has been full of visions, voices, indescribable encounters with the ultimate and Un-Nameable One. And I still have no dog in the fight between the various wings of the Christian churches from the most liberal Quaker Meeting to the most Fundamentalist Church. I mat sometimes slip but I want mostly to remain open because I know only tht I don’t know. So I can’t, in good concience, argue dogma or anti-dogma. I have my feelings and the things that are closest to beliefs but I can’t say who is right or wrong, if anyone is.

I suspect that none can speak the truth because by it’s very nature, truth is unspeakable.

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Coffee Hacks:

coffeehacks

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Atomic Pocketwatch!

SnackAdmiral - atomic pocketwatch.jpg - +6 -0 x0 - 128KB

Who coyld resist a laser-heated cesium chamber in your pocket!

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This is not the atomic watch, but rather the "Atomic Punks", an obviously classy act.

This is not the atomic watch, but rather the “Atomic Punks”, an obviously classy act.

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A New Hope (click if it doesn’t animate, huge file, but what do you expect when you get to see essentially the movie in just a few minutes.

[ani] A New Hope Outline

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Enough! from the Procrastitorian

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The world’s best dad.

worlds.coolest.dad

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Cristian Mihai, On Letting Go

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(From Maitripa College) H.H. Sakya Trizin, Lama Etiquette:

Maitripa College News
Dalai Lama Portland 2013

Maitripa wants to know your questions for His Holiness. Some will be selected for the Q&A!
In This Issue
HH Sakya Trizin
Lama Etiquette
Summit Security
In the News
Ask the Dalai Lama
Sold Out!
Classical Tibetan Language
Earn you MA or MDiv Degree

Visit Us

 If you live in, or plan to visit,  the Portland, area and have an interest in Tibetan Buddhism, Buddhist scholarship, or meditation, please attend one of our events, take a class, or contact us for a tour.

Maitripa College Location

Maitripa College

1119 SE Market St.
(cross street SE 11th;
3 blocks S. of Hawthorne)
Portland, Oregon 97214

email: info@maitripa.org

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This Week at Maitripa
Just a bit over a week until His Holiness the Dalai Lama and His Holiness Sakya Trizin arrive for the Dalai Lama Environmental Summit!
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His Holiness Sakya Trizin to teach at Maitripa
Maitripa College is very honored to announce that His Holiness Sakya Trizin, head of the Sakya school of Tibetan Buddhism, has accepted our invitation to offer a special teaching at Maitripa College on Sunday, May 12, at 6pm. Registration and further details coming soon!
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Lama Etiquette & Protocol
Yangsi Rinpoche invites the community participating in the Dalai Lama Environmental Summit, including ticket holders and volunteers, to attend a presentation by Dean Namdrol Miranda Adams regarding Lama etiquette and protocol. THURSDAY, 6 – 7 pm.
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Public Teaching with Yangsi Rinpoche
Please join public teachings with President Yangsi Rinpoche on Thursday evening at 7:30 pm. Donations gratefully accepted.
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Security for Dalai Lama Environmental Summit
For the safety of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and all event participants, the following items are prohibited from the venues:
Weapons
Work tools
Metal containers
Plastic bottles
Large bags or backpacks
Outside food or drink
No video/audio recording is allowed, and no professional camera lenses or flash photography are permitted
Because there are no storage facilities available and these prohibited items can not pass through the security screening, please leave these and similar items at home.

PLEASE ARRIVE EARLY TO ALLOW TIME TO GO THROUGH SECURITY AND TAKE YOUR SEAT. Doors will open at least two hours prior to the start time of each event/session.

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In the News…
We invite you to peruse the videos, articles, and updates about Maitripa and the upcoming visit by His Holiness.
This week, we are delighted to add Yangsi Rinpoche’s appearance on the Seattle morning talk show “New Day NW” and the Portland Tribune’s“Buddha Rising in Rose City”!
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Ask His Holiness the Dalai Lama!

We would like to hear from members of the Maitripa Community (and beyond!)! Submit your question for His Holiness the Dalai Lama!

A limited number of questions will be posted on the event website, and some will be selected for the Q&A sessions during public events on May 9 or May 11, 2013 in Portland, Oregon.

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His Holiness the Dalai Lama Events are Sold Out
Tickets are currently sold out for all events of the Dalai Lama Environmental Summit. We look forward to seeing you all there!
(And for those who cannot join us in person, please stay tuned for information about webcasting; we are finalizing these details now.)
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Classical Tibetan Language Summer Courses
Summer Tibetan language study options from beginner to advanced translation skills. Applications currently being accepted, limited spaces remain so apply now to reserve your space. Learn More & Apply Here
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Where Could a Maitripa Degree Take You?
Learn more about degree entry for Fall 2013 to earn your Masters in Buddhist Studies (MA)  or Master of Divinity (MDiv) degree.
Applications currently being accepted!Questions: studentservices@maitripa.org

Admissions Deadline for Fall Entry: June 8, 2013

Click here to learn more online.

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Just so you know

I kept it to myself this year. I had a sleepless night.

It snuck up on me- April 5th- I had actually managed to convince myself that it wasn’t even April, really. I saw no date on the calendar. I didn’t realize until about 5 pm on April 4th. Then it was like a bag of bricks. Or an ocean of tears.

Then, like smoke, it was over, gone. No harm no foul. It was something different than my usual coping/ denial. I really want her to move on. I’m concerned for her. She lives in my heart, no matter, but I want her to face ahead. I want this for me too.

“May all be free of suffering and the causes of suffering.”

Here she is laughing with her brothers. They are both grown men.

Here she is laughing with her brothers. They are both grown men.

Yesterday was Andrew’s birthday. I want to give him a Goopymart shirt. but I need to wait until I get my first disability check. I called, he was at work. I texted. Later he texted back, we had a conversation. I miss him- he is so far. Just down in the Bay Area, so I guess not so far. He has a Berkeley PO box. Not certain where he and Chris live right now.

Matt is close by. Just in Beaverton. I went to his house last Sunday night to watch Game of Thrones He made a casserole. It was delicious. He made enough that he can have it for several days. I bet it’s gone now though.

This is one of my favorite pictures. Holding a butterfly in our front yard.

This is one of my favorite pictures. Holding a butterfly in our front yard.

This is in the front yard of where the kids grew up. The house we had from when Matt was born until both he and Andrew were men. It is unfortunate that we lost this house- I lost this house- because after all my breakdowns, after all my years of grief beyond speaking, after all my lost jobs and the ruins of my career we went into foreclosure.

Moved into that rental on Flavel that burned down and took so much of our life with it. No, correct that- it didn’t take any life; it only took stuff. Everyone, including the pets, was safe.

This next is cropped from the huge picture taken at Falcon Crest in the summer of 1989. You can find the original big version around here somewhere.

Even this cropped version is bigger than this- click for full size.

Even this cropped version is bigger than this- click for full size.

I wrote a song. Well, I wrote lots of songs. This one was called “Erin’s Ghost”. It was written when I still had so much anger with God I almost couldn’t pray without spitting. I wonder how it works as a poem… Since I don’t have the right equipment to record it now and I’ve lost the earlier recordings. It’s actually a prayer. If you read between the lines you might hear the spitting. No more spitting for me. God has whispered into my heart, and here, near the end of my life, has opened me to love. Maybe I’ll call it-

Ashes of Your Love

All the labor of my days

All the sweetness of my nights

All the times that I have cursed or have ignored You

The times I’ve touched You

The greatest joy I have ever known

I will undertake to lay these down before You

Because life burns away

As a fire is consumed

Don’t look for me below or up above

Only one thing will remain

Of what is gone without a trace

There is nothing but the ashes of Your love

You brought to me a baby girl

She was tired, she was sore

And You gave me dreams that I could love or even heal her

But for the time that she was mine

We shared too many bitter tears

Lord there were even days I could not bear to feel her

She had more pain to bear than joy

More to teach than she could learn

God she was deeper than her vision could yet show her

Still as my heart counts the years

She is never growing old

I’m left to reflect upon the grace it was to know her

Well, they say, “God cuts the thread”

So it was in her 14th year

That You allowed that she should end

Her own becoming

I could not believe it true

When I saw her lying dead

Though I held until

The chill of her was numbing

And still life burns away

As a fire is consumed

Do not look for me below or up above

For only one thing will remain

Of what is gone without a trace

Lord there’s nothing but the ashes of Your love

It’s hard to believe that she was right

And everything has turned out wrong

There was so much more to life she’d never tasted

I just pray that it’s true

As Your saints have often said

That there is no love in this world that’s ever wasted

But life burns away

Just as a fire is consumed

You will not find me down below or up above

Only one thing will remain

Of that which is gone without a trace

There’s nothing but the ashes of Your love

1992

1992

I love you, my first baby, my only daughter, my life’s greatest teacher, the one I once thought would never abandon me. You are with the loving Friend, move to even greater light, find your heart’s desire. And in all the worlds, the infinite worlds beyond counting, in which you still live, show your fire. Shine so brightly no one can keep from seeing your wild, beautiful fire.

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Filed under Family pictures, personal story, pictures, poetry

ISCARIOT ~ (A sacred traitor)

ISCARIOT ~ (A sacred traitor).

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Filed under Christ, Re-blogged, Spirituality

Walking the White Cliffs with Jose – 29th January 2013

Walking the White Cliffs with Jose – 29th January 2013.

From Riding Effortlessly, another great post from leroywatson.

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JC: That which has no clue

Rumi, from Ghazels, translated by Kabir Helminsky

found in The Pocket Rumi, Edited by Kabir Helminsky, published by Shambala Pocket Classics

That which has no clue

At the last you vanished, gone to the Unseen.

Strange the path you took out of this world.

Strange how your beating wings demolished the cage,

and you flew away to the world of the soul.

You were some old woman’s favorite falcon

but when you heard the Falcon Drum

you escaped to the placeless.

You were a drunken nightingale among owls,

but when the scent of the rose garden reached you,

you were gone.

The bitter wine you drank with us left it’s headache,

but at last you entered a timeless tavern.

Like an arrow you went straight for the target of bliss,

straight to the mark like an arrow from a bow.

Like a ghoul, the world tried to deceive you,

with it’s false clues-

but you ignored the clues, 

and went straight to that which has no clue.

Now that you are the sun, what good is a crown?

and how do you tie your belt

now that you have no middle?

Heart, what a rare bird you are, that in your yearning for heaven’s attention.

you flew to the spear-point like a shield!

The rose flees autumn, but what a foolhardy rose you are,

seeking the autumn wind.

You were rain from another world

that fell upon this dusty earth.

You ran in all directions and escaped down the gutter.

Be silent. Be free

of the pain of speech.

Don’t sleep since you took refuge

with so loving a friend.

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April 5th, 2012

19 years ago she died today

annual
anniversary
miss her so much
she broke my heart
they’ve made it real difficult to get to the spot where her ashes are buried,
still managed

click if it doesn’t animate- it

‘s a big file

play this song if you want

lawn full of marigolds by Joshua James

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Filed under animated gif, Family pictures, Music, personal story, pictures